You may find yourself saying to your 10- to 12-year-old child , “You used to tell me everything.” You may wonder about how it came to be that so much has changed in your relationship with them. You may even blame yourself for not being “good enough” as a parent. The many changes that can come along with this developmental stage can leave you feeling unsure and engaging in a lot of negative self-talk. 

In child development, puberty is the early phase of adolescence, the stage when your child starts maturing physically. It may come earlier than 10 or later than 12—there is no definite age when it starts as each person is different. Rather, the stage is a passage that comes with a number of transitions and changes: biological, emotional, social, and cognitive.

Understanding Pre-Adolescent Changes

You may feel that during adolescence, your child is transforming into a person you hardly know. To support them through this passage, it is important to understand the changes they are going through. Just “putting your foot down” without room for flexibility may not help.

• Physical Changes: The most significant sign that puberty has begun is physical changes triggered by shifting hormone levels. Changes in their outward appearance may leave them feeling awkward, confused, self-conscious, and even ashamed, particularly if they are developing ahead of their peers.

They may develop issues as they become concerned about their appearance, and body image. They may become unhappy with being too skinny, fat, short, tall, etc. and spend much time trying to improve their appearance and to be more like the people they think are perfect. It is common for children in the puberty stage to have unrealistic self-perception, which may lead to them feeling frustrated and unhappy. Left unaddressed, they can be at higher risk for unhealthy eating habits and risky behaviors, not to mention low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and other issues.

• Cognitive Changes: As children get older and enter this stage their thinking often becomes more complex. They start to think of possibilities and look beyond what is directly in front of them or what is real. They will start to develop the ability to comprehend and appreciate higher-order cognition, and think more about their sense of “self.”

Their thinking can also become more multidimensional and absolute, rather than relative. Though healthy, all these changes can be misunderstood, particularly as the child will want to be more independent . They may begin to regard your parenting as restrictive, imposing, or wrong. These changes can strain your relationship with your child. They can leave you feeling unappreciated, frustrated, and angry. They may also cause your child to grow distant if they do not understand your opinions, rules or parenting style.

• Social Changes: Around this age, children become more social and want to spend more time with others their age. The amount of time they want to spend with friends will continue to increase from puberty to adolescence, as will their desire to “belong” and to be accepted. This makes their friends and peers very influential in most aspects of their life, rendering them more susceptible to peer pressure, low self-esteem, and many other concerns.

It would be incorrect to say that family becomes less important to a child at this stage, though you may get that impression from their behavior. Many children get lost in the process of balancing their desire to spend more time with friends with their parents’ rules, which often run counter to what they prefer to do. This conflict may change your relationship with your child, and they may grow secretive and aloof.

• Emotional Changes: Considering all the changes happening in your child’s body, mind, and relationships, who would not be confused, scared, or moody? They may be worried about matters that to you are small, but for them can mean the world. They can be anxious about their self-perception, being accepted or bullied in school, and academic performance. They may also be worried about topics you may think are too “big” for them that cause anxiety, such as climate change, world hunger, or terrorism.

Wanting to have friends and be accepted will likely take center stage in your child’s life. They may want to do things they haven’t done before, such as joining the school soccer team, dance, or drama club, or dressing differently. As they become conscious of body image, they may worry about their looks and fashion trends. All these can make them more susceptible to disordered eating, body image issues and poor self-esteem. This may contribute to mood swings or even anxiety and depression.

All of these changes are normal for any child entering puberty and moving into adolescence. Knowing that this may happen earlier than you expect can help you prepare for the changes and for your own transition as well. While all children experience this transition, it doesn’t mean it’s easy. 

Puberty can be an overwhelming time for both your child and you, you don’t have to go through it alone. Counseling can help your child to process the changes they are experiencing and find ways to cope in healthy ways. Carolina Counseling Services in Pittsboro contracts with skilled, licensed therapists. Call CCS today to schedule your first appointment!

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