Adoption, the process of permanently transferring birth parents’ rights to a child to adoptive parents, can be beneficial to all parties involved. Biological parents get an opportunity to secure the future of their child and a second chance to improve their circumstances if they are unable to care for their child. Adoptive parents can fulfill their dream of becoming parents. The child has the opportunity to be loved, provided for, and raised well by parents who are prepared to fulfill the role.

Despite these potential benefits, adoption has a strong emotional impact on everyone. Birth parents may live with intense emotions such as grief, guilt, and shame. Deciding to adopt a child and living with the thought of one day telling the adopted child the truth can also be agonizing for the adoptive parents. Adopted children can also be left with many questions. 

Regardless of who you are in the equation, there are intense emotions to live with, even when all parties achieve their personal goals and the adoptive parents and child have a good and fulfilling relationship. Adoption can be highly emotionally charged. This is why it may be important to seek counseling during the adoption process.

“Who Am I?”—The Struggles of an Adopted Child

A host of questions may confuse, hurt, or anger a child when they learn they are adopted. They may feel grief, realizing they have lost what could have been a cherished relationship with the birth parents, even if they feel loved by their adoptive parents.  They may also feel unloved, abandoned, unwanted, or rejected, thinking that there must be something wrong with them.

Though they may want to meet their birth parents, they can feel confused and guilty, thinking it is disloyal to the adoptive parents who raised them. One of the worst feelings that an adopted teen may experience is alienation, sensing they are different from their friends and peers.

An adopted child may be particularly susceptible to low self-esteem and identity crisis as they reach adolescence, a stage when they are in search of self-identity. If denied information about their biological parents or the opportunity to meet them, they can have difficulty formulating a real sense of themselves.

Embracing Parenthood as an Adoptive Parent

Not every adult wants to be an adoptive parent or has the necessary skills to do so. While a successful adoption can fulfill a desire to have a child or help others, it can be a scary prospect too. The whole experience is never simple—it can be surreal or like a roller-coaster ride. 

Adoptive parents may fear that they may not be what the child needs or that they won’t be able to answer the questions they have when they are older. Having these concerns is natural, however, you don’t have to navigate being an adoptive parent on your own. Working with a therapist that you trust can make these challenges easier to overcome. 

Birth Parents: Living with Guilt and Loss

The circumstances or reasons surrounding birth parents’ decisions to place their child for adoption vary greatly. Typically, however, it is something that is perceived as best for the baby. While there can be good reasons for adoption, there is still a negative impact on the emotions and psyche of the parents, particularly the mother.

There can be a strong sense of loss, for it is akin to losing a child. They may also grieve for other losses—their parenting roles, their aspirations for their child—as well as other factors in relation to having a baby and choosing adoption. They may be overwhelmed by guilt and shame, all of these feelings are natural.

Some birth parents may suffer renewed feelings of loss each time they see a child the same age or resembling their child, or on the child’s birthday and other special occasions. The intensity of the grief can be worse if the birth parents were pressured to place their child for adoption or there was no opportunity to express their feelings about it. Counseling can help to process this loss. 

Resolving Emotional Issues with Counseling

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding adoption, the child, the adoptive parents, and the birth parents will all face unique challenges along the way. The emotional roller coaster does not end upon the signing of the adoption documents.

If you are experiencing emotional distress related to adoption, know that adopting or placing a child for adoption is a major decision that takes courage and selflessness. While the intense emotions can’t be avoided, you can learn to accept them and be able to move forward. Carolina Counseling Services – Pittsboro, NC, is here to help. Call today to schedule your first appointment.

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