There are many emotions that may arise when children learn they are adopted—grief, pain, confusion, anger, etc. These feelings can get more difficult to manage when they reach adolescence, a developmental stage that is inherently tumultuous because of biological changes, social pressures, and striving to find identity.

According to Debbie Riley, LCMFT of the Center for Adoption Support and Education, “Adolescence is an exciting but often challenging time. For those parenting or working with adopted teens, it is important to understand how adoption adds to the complexities of the adolescent journey.”

Who Am I? The Search for a Sense of Self

As teens’ bodies begin to change, they may start to experience feelings they don’t understand. This can leave them feeling alone, afraid, and even disoriented. As they try to define their identity, they may explore risky behavior that can make them seem like angry, defiant strangers.

Around this age, you will often hear them say, “I am not you!” or “It is not fair for you to control my life!” While your teen aims to be different from you, they may have no idea who they are or what they want to be. Even if they do, they may still have trouble finding their way there. A sense of self is something they need to develop to guide them in life.

Discovering a sense of self and formulating an independent identity are important challenges in adolescence. However, this can be even more difficult and confusing for adopted teens who lack knowledge of their biological history or roots.

Anticipating Identity Concerns

It is not only the search for self-identity that can make a teen’s life difficult. For adopted adolescents, there are other related challenges that they must face, accept, and work on.

For instance, adopted children often want to learn more about their birth parents. or even meet them. Whether out of curiosity or due to a practical need, this search can be difficult, particularly in cases involving convoluted, closed, or semi-open adoption rules. It can be frustrating, emotionally draining, time-consuming, and expensive.

The desire to trace their history can also be complicated by negative feelings, particularly guilt. If the adoptive parents have been selfless, loving, and caring, it is not unusual for the teen to feel guilty. They may think that it is disloyal to trace their roots and that it will hurt their adoptive parents.

Adopted children may also be more vulnerable to low self-esteem. If they feel abandoned, unwanted, or rejected by their biological parents, they may think there must be something wrong with them. This can happen even if the adoptive parents have provided them love, support, security, and comfort.

They can also feel shame or insecurity if they perceive that they “do not belong” to their adoptive family, particularly in interracial adoptions. In addition, negative emotions can overwhelm them when they are reminded that they are adopted, such as when answering questions during medical interviews or on other occasions that require information about their birth family.

Help Your Adopted Teen Find Themselves

Adopted children may confront challenging emotions during adolescence: grief, low self-esteem, guilt, shame, etc. Adoption can complicate the adolescent search for self and make it more difficult to navigate through teen developmental stages. You and your child may benefit from the help of a therapist independently contracted with Carolina Counseling Services – Pittsboro, NC.

It takes love, understanding, and strength for adoptive parents to help their adopted teens develop their identity. Your support will matter a lot at this critical stage. Call CCS today to schedule your first appointment.